The Aftermath of Abuse

I know a little about abusive relationships. I think we are coming out of one. I felt myself shaking today, and remembered this is what animals do when they come down after having been alert to danger. If they don't have to flee, the deer/gazelle/horse shivers all over as they go back to grazing, releasing the adrenaline and other chemicals that have been racing through their system in case they needed to run. All the women I know are collectively trying to shake off what settled on our psyches these past four years, battering us with lies and threats of violence.

For all the pain, escaping from an abusive relationship can be an inoculation. I lived alone the year I was 23, after I left my boyfriend. It was brutal and lonely, but not in the way living with him had been. I knew things that guided all my choices going forward; I knew the signs that got relationships to the point of danger.

I'm old now. But so many voters in this election are young. They stepped out of their I-don't-care bubbles to commit at least to voting, and most likely more. Protests in the streets, letter writing, signs, postcards: they put skin in the game. They realized effect from their efforts. Like kids who move away from their parents and stop blaming them because they don't like the food, these kids took on the mantle of citizenship - its power, its freedom, and hopefully some awareness of the work it involves. It is exhausting to do the work of governing, or parenting. How many of us really want to spend our time sitting on planning commissions, water safety boards, textbook review committees?

The young women, especially, will not forget the gaslighting, the lies, the way they were conned and tricked and bullied. If my experience is any guide, they'll use this going forward. One reason I'm sure of this is that they found each other. Abuse thrives on isolation. My boyfriend insisted I cut off all my former friends, even girlfriends, and focus only on him. I complied. Until I was a shell - a lonely, isolated shell addicted to him and his dramas. I would never do that again. I crawled my way back to friends, who embraced me and gave me soup. And now I know - I know the signs. I know not to let friends get too far away, in time and space. They are the lifeblood of being healthy and whole. You can't make new old friends.